


Hold My Hand ; heal my heart

by ZhenLe



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hana no Mizo Shiru AU, M/M, Slow Build, Strangers to Lovers, Tokyo (City), i'll add tags as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-08 11:26:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4303032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZhenLe/pseuds/ZhenLe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto helps a student at his university, only to bump into him once again at the train station. He accidentally takes home a necklace that seems to hold sentimental value...</p><p> </p><p>Haru has sealed off his heart after everything that happened between him and his mentor. Or at least, that's what he'd thought...</p><p> </p><p>(Loosely based off Hana no Mizo Shiru by Takarai Rihito)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO WRITE THIS SINCE 2013 (or early 2014??) BUT I NEVER GOT THE TIME TO AND FINALLY I HAVE TIME /cries
> 
> Anyways, hello I'm back! This story is gonna be a multichap makoharu based off Hana no Mizo Shiru by Takarai Rihito. If you haven't read it, you should!!!!!! IT'S GREAT. Also I wrote 'loosely' based off it because I'm not actually sure how closely I'm gonna stick to the story line, and also I had to change some things to suit it to the characters a bit more? (Also I'm not writing the smut u can just imagine that urse l f) Sorry if something doesn't make sense please don't hesitate to tell me! And the thing I sorta regret having to change or take out is the entire flower motif and flower language thing bc ITS AMAZING but I can't seem to fit it into this au ackkk
> 
> I apologise in advance for my writing because it's quite inconsistent and bad I think? But I do hope you continue reading ;w; I'm really trying my best to keep this as in character and as interesting as possible OTL
> 
> So before I ramble even more than I already have (did any of you even read this HAHA) please enjoy! I'm not sure how regularly I can do updates because even though I'm just waiting to enter uni I still have to do stuff...w h y... I'll try to update at least once a week or sth so yeah happy reading!
> 
> Also if Rin is your fave, I'm really sorry. He becomes better nearer the end I promise!

The campus is flooded with people as Makoto attempts to weave through them while fixing his contact lenses.

He fails pretty badly, bumping into a couple of them and apologising while his eyes tear up and his vision gets more blurry by the second. He can’t even see who he’s brushing against anymore.

“Makoto!”

Someone swings an arm across his shoulders, and Makoto can easily make out a blurred pink flop of hair. It’s that hard to miss, after all.

“Kisumi! What are you doing here?”

Makoto is, quite pleasantly, surprised. He hasn’t seen Kisumi since high school, not to mention losing contact after graduation and all the way into his third year at university.

“I could say the same thing. Man, you look like a _wreck_ why’re you crying?”

Makoto rubs at his eyes as more tears run down his face. “I’m not crying, just my contacts giving trouble.”

Kisumi whacks his back, probably meaning to be sympathetic but it’s such a Kisumi thing to do that Makoto doesn’t think twice about it.

“I always forget your vision is terrible. But weren’t they fine in high school?”

“My degree got worse.” Quite a fair bit worse.

“That’s terrible. Why don’t you just stick to glasses? They’re probably a whole lot easier than those little circle things you put in your eyes.”

“They’re not _in_ my eye – ” _thump._

Makoto turns abruptly to find someone on the ground about a metre away, trying to pick up a bunch of notebooks and goodness knows what – _he can’t see_.

“Hey Kisumi you got class right now?” Makoto gestures to the stranger on the ground.

“Yeah, sorry I can’t help I’ll catch you later!”

He waves as Makoto runs over to help pick up the fallen items.

“Here let me help you.”

Reaching for scattered pieces of paper he piles them all into one stack before picking up the rest of the things left on the ground.

Makoto’s just about to return them when a little blue charm on the other person’s neck catches his attention. He can just about make out a tiny dolphin on a thin silver chain.

“Is that a necklace?”

The stranger visibly tenses, immediately stuffing it into his shirt as Makoto draws back, surprised.

“I-I mean it’s really cute! A-and wearing a necklace doesn’t make you girly or w-wimpy is what I think, and I didn’t mean to say that you’re wimpy but I think that everyone can love what they love and I think…”

Blue. His eyes are _really_ blue.

“…it suits you…”

His vision may be blurry and he can’t really make out a clear image of this young man but Makoto can’t deny that the colour of his eyes could rival even the bluest of waters, or the clearest of skies.

 

 

_It suits you…it suits you…_

_He gasps silently, body tensing as he grabs his things out of this stranger’s hands and stuffs them into his bag, muttering a quick thank you before he’s running away._

_It suits you…_

_The unwanted image of a certain smile flashes in his mind._

_He feels suffocated._

 

 

 

Haru swims aimlessly in the university pool, lap after lap after lap until his muscles start protesting and his lungs burn a little.

He turns over to float on his back, drifting in the quiet peace of the enclosed space, the rhythmic slosh of water against the pool walls where he lies.

Sometimes, he’s grateful for free access to the pool to help him calm his mind and body, to help him relax and glide through the water that accepts him. That doesn’t throw his thoughts askew or try to best him. This mutual acceptance is something that Haru has grown to appreciate more and more.

Other times, he’s grateful because –

The jarring ringtone that echoes throughout the building can’t be missed.

Haru stumbles out of the pool, stomach already knotting itself over in anxiety. He doesn’t know what to expect, but that ringtone is unmistakable.

Sliding his phone open, Haru’s insides feel like lead when he sees he has five missed calls. All from the same person. He must’ve missed them while swimming laps.

He answers the current call.

_“Why didn’t you answer me?”_

“Sorry, I was in the pool.”

_“Whatever. It’s past nine already, I’m coming to get you.”_

“You don’t nee – ”

_“Stop talking so much, just get ready. I’ll be there soon.”_

“Okay, but I’ll take the train home.”

_“You sure about that? I don’t want you staying too long over there.”_

“I’ll be fine. Thank you…Rin.”

_-Beep-_

 

 

 

Makoto sighs as he puts his contact lenses back in their case. They didn’t work after all. And they were so expensive.

He sighs again. Maybe he’s just not suited for hard contacts.

- _Train on track seven approaching-_

Makoto jumps at the station announcement, belatedly realising that that’s his train.

- _Train is on door six-_

Hurriedly putting everything into his bag, Makoto takes off for door six. He can’t miss this train or he’ll have to wait for another half an hour. It’s already late, and it’s raining.

Not having his contacts on is one thing, running through a train station half blind is probably dumbest thing he could do right now and Makoto hopes that he’s at least running towards the right direction when he collides with something.

He falls backwards, books spilling out of his bag while he registers the sudden whispers around him.

He’s bumped into someone else.

Makoto doesn’t know why his first thought is one of gratitude that at least he didn’t run into a wall and embarrass himself in front of a hundred other people which would not be a very pleasant experience but his second thought is _oh crap I knocked down a person_.

“I’m so sorry!” he cries, looking at the mess of spilled books and notes between the two of them, “I-is this yours?”

He can’t see clearly what belongs to him – curse bad eyesight – neither does he know what he’s shoving into the stranger’s hands.

“I’ll do it.”

Makoto’s hands pause where they are at the mysteriously deep but quiet voice that’s right at his ear. Like a faint breeze that’s graceful and smoky but as smooth as velvet. So heavy with emotion.

Too much anxiety. Too much unease. Too much sorrow.

Too much pain.

Makoto wants to slap himself. He's  _definitely_  over analysing things. They're probably just really tired. Nothing more.

The stranger continues to messily alternate between handing Makoto his belongings and stuffing what’s his into his bag.

_“Haru!”_

It’s so startling, the way the stranger tenses so suddenly at that faint call, yet so familiar. Makoto almost tries to remember if he’s ever come across this man when the last of his things are shoved roughly into his hands.

He catches a faint wisp of blue.

“Sorry.”

And with that Makoto is left alone on the station floor, hands full and mind fuller.

_What cold hands._

 

 

 

He’s floating through the water, or at least what seems like water. When Makoto tilts his head to look at the glistening blue surface of the sea he makes out fluffy white clouds reflected on it, so clear that it’s almost like he’s floating through the sky itself.

Something shiny catches his eye, and he turns over to find a thin silver necklace with a little blue glass dolphin on it. He picks it up and holds it with both hands, against the bright rays of sunshine, turning it around slowly.

There’s a sudden weight around his hands, something soft clasping them gently.

But it’s cold.

Like the cold voice that starts calling his name…

_Makoto._

_Makoto…_

_Makoto……_

 

Makoto’s body feels heavy and painful when he blinks his eyes open. He’s in bed, it was a dream. Not that Makoto cares, the memory is fading already.

Something smells really good, and he wonders if he should be alarmed at the sound of footsteps coming closer and closer to his bedroom.

“Makoto!”

It’s Kisumi, poking his head through the gap in the door.

“I got you breakfast, thought you might still be tired after playing basketball with me last night.”

Makoto smiles, running a hand through his tousled hair. “Thanks, Kisumi.”

“Come to the kitchen when you’re done. I’ll be there. Oh, and your front door was unlocked.”

Well at least it wasn’t a thief that had realised that.

He gets out of bed and stretches, changing into something more presentable than his pyjamas that have tiny printed stars on them. He’d gotten those from Nagisa.

To his delight, there’s a plate of chocolate chip pancakes waiting for him on the dining table. Makoto’s stomach growls, protesting and telling him to hurry up and eat.

“Thanks, Kisumi. You didn’t have to.”

“It’s totally fine, I thought we could catch up a bit too. Also you’re probably tired after losing so badly to me last night.”

They talk as they eat, devouring the huge stack of pancakes too fast for what all mothers would probably like (‘You need to chew food at least twenty times before swallowing!’).

“Oh yeah, who’s Haru?”

Makoto pauses mid-bite, frowning a little at the question.

“Haru?”

“Yeah, who is she?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You were mumbling ‘Haru’ in your sleep just now. I thought she might be your girlfriend or something but I guess not?”

Makoto shakes his head and resumes eating. He can’t for the life of him remember anyone he knows named Haru.

“Also what’s this?”

Kisumi dangles a little dolphin charm hanging from a necklace between his fingers, swinging it a little in front of Makoto’s face.

“I don’t know. It’s not mine, I’m not sure where you got it from.”

“Saw it poking out of your bag, thought it belonged to this Haru person you were dreaming about. It’s really cute.”

Makoto chuckles. Maybe his subconscious just can’t wait for spring.

 

 

 

_It’s not here…not here…not here…not here..!!”_

_He frantically empties his bag, throwing paper aside and rummaging through pockets._

_…not here!...not here…_

 

 

 

Makoto lies on his bed, staring at the necklace he holds up against the light.

Oh, he muses, it’s broken.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto has strange dreams and makes an accidental confession.
> 
> Haru can't seem to catch a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know when I read HNMS, I wondered how a person could dream that they love someone they've only see once/talked to once/etc. until it happened to me. With two different people, it's kinda strange?? Like the first person I dreamt abt was after I talked to them onE TIME. O NE TimE. The second person was after I found out we were going to uni together. I dreamt that we were married and deeply in love. I'm laughing at myself. SO YES, IT CAN HAPPEN, MAKOTO IS NOT BEING STRANGE IN THIS CHAPTER I PROMISE.
> 
> Anyways before I spoil ANYTHING ELSE (SOMEONE SHUT ME UP) I hope you enjoy!  
> (also i was editing the tags bc they were kinda messy and then i ended up not being able to recall more than half of them im so dumb rip me)

It’s half past eight when Makoto’s alarm starts beeping, rising him from his deep slumber. He stretches and yawns, working out the kinks in his back and neck before getting up.

This is the fifth ‘Haru’ dream he’s woken up from in the past week. Or sixth? He can’t recall.

While he makes himself breakfast, Makoto blearily tries to remember _any_ Haru that he has come across in his life. Maybe he was the protagonist of some anime he used to watch with his siblings, or maybe they had met before somewhere?

Whatever it is, or rather whoever it is, Makoto is as confused as anything because he’s actually started to develop feelings for this Haru while he’s asleep. He’s dreamt about this enough for him to start remembering the warmth, the emotions, the _love_.

It’s during these dreams that Makoto is in love, in love with this dream person, this Haru, but the moment he wakes up the magic is gone and he’s left as clueless as ever.

He doesn’t know who Haru is.

Makoto sits down at the dining table, eating a bowl of cereal and tasting nothing. He stares at the centre of the table, on which a certain silver necklace lies. He vaguely remembers seeing it somewhere, but it just doesn’t come to mind. He just can’t seem to remember clearly.

He doesn’t feel very hungry anymore, leaning forward to pick up the small dolphin charm on the silver chain. Why is he still keeping this? Didn’t all those dreams start because of this stupid necklace? That belongs to Haru he doesn’t know?

Makoto wants to trash it and stop all those dreams. But he can’t. It’s not his, and he’s got to return it somehow…

 

 

 

“Tachibana-kun!”

Makoto looks up from his books to see a flustered looking girl.

“Ah, Chigusa-san.”

“Tachibana-kun are you going to see Shigino-kun anytime today?”

“I’m not sure, do you need something?”

She pushes a sheet of paper forward. “I need to give him this form; it’s from my brother actually. Shigino-kun mailed me saying that he needed it by today!”

“Can’t your brother give it himself?”

“He’s sick so he asked me to help him do it. It’s for the upcoming swim meet! And it’s really important! Could you please give it to him for me?”

“You really can’t do it yourself?” Even though Makoto is more than willing to help a person in need, he has quite a few things to do today and they’re not going to be fun.

“I’m so sorry Tachibana-kun! I’m going to be late for my part-time job if I don’t go now. And if I’m late one more time they’re going to fire me!”

Chigusa looks so horrified at the thought that Makoto can’t not help her. He takes the paper and promises to find Kisumi as soon as possible.

“Thank you so much! I owe you one!” And with that, Makoto is left with an extra errand in his hands.

 

 

 

“Kisumi!”

“Makoto!” Kisumi waves from where he’s leaning against the brick wall. Makoto runs over to him, wondering what Kisumi has to do with the swim team. If he remembers correctly, he had once convinced him to swim together but it hadn’t ended so prettily.

“What’s up? I thought we were gonna meet next week?”

“Oh we still are! I was just asked by Chigusa-san to give this to you. Some swim meet form for her brother.”

Kisumi’s eyes widen in relief as he takes the form.

“Thanks Makoto, Coach Mikoshiba kept reminding me to get these by today.”

“Coach Mikoshiba?” Makoto is even more confused. Is Kisumi on the swim team?

“He’s actually a friend of my family, I needed some money and he offered to give me some work to do so ta dah, that’s how I started working under a _swimming_ coach. Me. Can you believe that Makoto? I suck at swimming!”

Makoto laughs. “You’re right, that’s kinda strange. I was wondering how you came to be on the swim team, especially after that one time in middle school.”

“Oh shut up.” Kisumi punches his arm good naturedly before running through the list of names.

“So now we have Chigusa’s brother, Ikuya-kun, Natsuya-kun, Haru-k –”

“Haru?!”

They both jump at Makoto’s sudden exclamation. Before he can even think to be embarrassed he’s trying to get a look at the papers.

“Can I see this Haru person? Please?”

“I don’t know what the big deal is but here you go. You know him or something?”

Makoto stares at the sheet of paper.

_Nanase Haruka. 50m freestyle. 100m freestyle. 200m freestyle._

“Kisumi, where is this Nanase-san?”

“I guess I could take you to him. He’s in the fine arts course actually.”

Makoto nods a bit too excitedly. His heart pounds wildly because maybe, maybe this is the Haru he’s been looking for. The one he’s been dreaming about. The one whose necklace he has.

 

While they walk to the west building, Makoto asks Kisumi about Haru.

“He isn’t actually on the swim team. Coach Mikoshiba is literally dying to get him on it though. He gives the guy free access and a key to the pool, a team jacket, and I don’t even know what else but he doesn’t want to join. Something about only swimming free.”

A swimmer. Haru’s a swimmer who doesn’t like being on swim teams. Makoto doesn’t know if he’s got the right Haru after all, but he’s not going to know until he tries.

“Seriously, that guy has some serious skill. He’d make Japan proud if he wanted to, but it’s a miracle how Coach Mikoshiba managed to talk him into joining this small tournament. The only thing he really does for the team is help Coach whip up training regimes or run errands for him.”

Makoto nods in silent contemplation. Even if this Haru doesn't end up being Haru he’s searching for, he’s now curious to see him in person. This apparent swimming genius Kisumi is telling him about. He sounds really interesting.

“Oh and he’s really particular about his name.”

 

They reach the west building in ten minutes, walking up the stairs to the second level.

“There he is, by the window on the back row, the one in the black hoodie. That’s him.”

Makoto sees him staring out the window, black hair and slender nape, seemingly distant from the rest of his classmates.

He doesn’t know what overcomes his body but the next second he’s right in front of Haru’s desk, opening his mouth to say something when he stops.

His eyes are really blue. The faint memory of stark blue eyes on a blur face flashes through his mind, a faint wisp of blue at the station. It’s gone in an instant. Makoto pinches his thigh.

Haru sits there, staring at him with the coldest glare but Makoto doesn’t feel intimidated by it. He’s absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous that Makoto has to compose himself for a moment before speaking.

_“He’s really particular about his name.”_

“Nanase-san…?”

He doesn’t answer, choosing to continue staring at him.

“C-Can we talk outside? I need to ask you something.”

Makoto fidgets nervously as Haru seems to contemplate his question, finally standing up and walking out of the classroom. Makoto stumbles out after him.

Kisumi is still waiting curiously outside as they come out, closing the door behind them. Makoto takes a deep breath and looks into those deep blue eyes.

“Nanase-san, have we met somewhere before?”

There’s no reply.

Kisumi grabs his shoulder. “Makoto? What’s up?”

Makoto doesn’t even notice him.

“It’s probably you. I think, I think I really like you!”

Haru’s jaw drops. Kisumi gasps audibly. There’s a collective intake of breath from all the students standing in the hallway.

“W-wait that didn’t come out quite right…ah! You kept appearing in my dreams! There’s no mistake, it has to be you. Haven’t we met before?”

“No.”

Haru’s voice is lower than what he expected, but _oh_. Hasn’t he heard it somewhere before?

“But I know you! Weren’t you wearing a necklace? With the pretty blue dolphin on it?”

Haru goes rigid, eyes full of fear for a mere split second that Makoto would’ve missed if not for his equally intense gaze on the young man.

“I wouldn’t know someone like you.”

And with that, Haru is gone and Makoto is stunned into silence.

 

 

_What a ridiculous guy._

_He bumps into a table and trips on his way back to his seat, promptly refusing any offered help from his classmates._

_What a stupid ridiculous guy._

_There’s a dull throb around his neck._

 

 

“Makoto what are you doing?!”

Makoto snaps back to reality, realising he’s still standing in the middle of the corridor outside Haru’s lecture room. He barely takes notice of the faint whispers coming from all around him, the heated, tense atmosphere in the hallway, the way Kisumi is staring at him worriedly.

“S-Sorry. I know I’ve met him before. I just don’t remember when.”

“Well now everyone’s gonna think you’re after him! What are you gonna do about that? I heard he was assaulted or harassed by some junior when he was still a freshman!”

“Assaulted?”

Makoto suddenly feels faint. Assaulted. Haru had been _assaulted_. And he’d just gone and done something utterly stupid that would probably end up doing more harm than good.

“I’m not really sure what happened. Apparently some teacher found them and stopped them, but it was nothing too serious. Just try not to come off as some creepy person ‘kay? He’s fragile, that guy.”

 

 

 

Haru is hit in the face with a pool buoy.

Spluttering in the water for a good few seconds, his feet finally find the floor while he hears laughter from above him.

It’s Coach Mikoshiba.

Haru wipes water from the corner of his mouth. “When did you get here?”

“Ever since you started sighing and making weird faces while floating in the water.”

“I never did that.”

Mikoshiba laughs and retrieves the pool buoy. “Well you wouldn’t answer me. Are you really okay? You look stressed or something.”

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t push yourself too hard.”

“I was just thinking.”

“Oh! Thinking! Right, I thought you weren’t feeling so good. Turns out you were just lost in your own thoughts.”

Haru attempts to start swimming laps when Mikoshiba stops him.

“Hey so I heard from Ryugazaki that he won’t be able to continue helping with all the training regimes and documents and profiling and everything else. But! I have good news for you!”

Haru almost rolls his eyes. Almost.

“I found someone who wants to experience coaching. He’s actually majoring in sports science or something like that right now. Apparently he wants to go into the teaching side of the sports world. I’ll leave him in your care, Nanase.”

“Okay.”

“He’s a fast learner, I heard. He’ll be a good substitute.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

 

 

 

“Ah! It’s you!”

Haru takes one look at the tall brunet in front of him and turns to Mikoshiba.

“Coach, I’ll manage on my own. We don’t need someone who seems to be busy – ”

“Oh! I actually asked Coach Mikoshiba if I could help with the coaching. I want to learn some things since this is what I want to do after graduation.”

Haru wants to glare into those green eyes that seem to be smiling. This is going to be _terrible._

“Why not, Nanase? Give Tachibana a shot. He seems capable. Also he just got dumped by his girlfriend so he has time.”

Tachibana - _ah, so that's his name_ \-  frowns slightly. “I didn’t have a girlfriend though…”

Haru sighs. He’s never going to get out of this, is he?

“Fine.”

He’s about to kick off the wall and swim away when a hand reaches down to him.

“Nice to meet you, Nanase-san.”

Haru huffs and hesitantly takes his hand. “Nice to meet you too.”

“Will you show me around?”

“…Fine…”

And faster than he knows it, Tachibana has pulled him out of the pool. Haru looks up bewilderedly only to be met with a bright smile and just _who does he think he is._

Haru snatches his hand back from where Tachibana is holding it, like it’s the most delicate thing.

“Let’s go.”

“Okay!”

 

 

Makoto follows the slender figure in front of him, keeping his thoughts to himself.

What beautiful hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts!! I need to know if I'm actually doing a good job with this AU or not OTL


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru tells himself he doesn't like Tachibana.
> 
> Makoto doesn't believe he's a bad person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure but I think this chapter might be a bit dialogue heavy? I hope it's not too confusing or weird or anything OTL ALSO I hope you're not confused with the switching between POVs thing...for now Makoto still thinks of Haru as Nanase, and Haru thinks of Makoto as Tachibana :D I PROMISE THAT WILL CHANGE ASAP BC I DONT WANT THEM TO STICK TO THE LAST NAMES UNTIL THE END (like in HNMS ;;w;;)
> 
> Also I checked my mail a few days back and I got the regular msg from ao3 but then it told me that 30+ guests left kudos on this fic all at once and I was kinda freaked out bc it was overnight and ?? IM SO CONFUSED ??? I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT THANK YOU???? I APPRECIATe it

Haru towels his hair dry as he leads Tachibana to the office right at the end of the corridor, beside all the changing rooms.

The brunet hums quietly to himself as he follows suit, and Haru thinks he’s probably not that bad of a person. He seems friendly, dependable and capable.

Haru just doesn’t like him.

“Nanase-san I know I’m being persistent but are you sure we haven’t met before? Like maybe around campus or at the train station?”

 _It was both…_ “No.”

“Then what about the necklace?”

Haru pauses for a split second but quickly recovers his pace while Tachibana continues.

“Did you lose it on a rainy day? I have it!”

“You sound like a public prosecutor.” Haru’s a little miffed at this guy’s persistence. He really doesn’t care about the necklace. He doesn’t. He doesn’t…

“But it bothers me a lot for some reason. And today when you saw me didn’t you murmur ‘the station…’ or something like that?”

“I meant to say ‘you looked like a flirt at the train station’.”

“Oh! I see. So we did meet at the station!”

Haru wants to slap him. Or slap himself. “Your intentions are ambiguous. I can't tell if you’re trying to be a good person or a bad person.”

“Me?”

“Look if you’re just here to tease me, leave.”

“I’m not teasing you I promise! I-I’ll try not to say anything that bothers you!” Tachibana rubs the back of his neck and chuckles to himself. “Also, I don’t think that I’m a bad person.”

Haru’s lips tilt slightly upwards. He really can’t believe this guy. “You’d say such a thing about yourself? Fine, I’ll be the judge of that from now on.”

 

 _Makoto snaps back to reality as Nanase reaches to open the office door._ He smiled! Nanase smiled!

 

Before Haru steps into the office, he hesitates slightly, eyes flicking over to where Tachibana looks at him, confused. “You can throw the necklace away. I was going to do it myself anyway.”

“Ah! So it really was yours?”

“Yes. No more questions.” He’s made his choice. It's probably for the better.

Haru turns on the light switches and beckons Tachibana to come inside. The lights flicker a few times and the fan takes just a moment to start whirring. He walks towards his assigned desk. “Have you done anything like this before?”

“Not really…I have coached little children once at my old coach’s swim club. In high school we had one of our schoolmates be our coach! She wrote all our training manuals and regimes for us and signed us up for competitions.”

“You’ll be doing just that for now. Wait here, I’ll get the papers.”

When Haru comes back with a stack of old regimes, he finds Tachibana staring intently at the newest regimes he had written.

“Nanase-san, are these all personalised?”

“Yeah. It’s efficient for swimmers to train up their weak points more.”

“Wow! I can’t believe you’ve made regimes for all the members of the team. And you even drew diagrams for how they can improve their strokes! You’re really amazing! I don’t think I could ever do something like that!”

Haru tries his best to control the rising heat in his cheeks. He’s _not_ supposed to get embarrassed about some stranger’s comments on his work. “You’d be able to do the same if you observe them well.”

 

 

“Can you start helping out tomorrow?”

“Of course! How often should I come? Nanase-san comes everyday right?”

“…whenever you have time.”

“Then I’ll come every day! I find it really interesting. I-is it okay?”

Haru sighs and starts walking away. “Whatever.”

He’s never going to get a break.

 

 

 

 

Makoto glimpses at the time on his phone as he runs down the stairs.

_4:22pm._

He wonders if Nanase will already be there.

“Makoto!”

Kisumi appears by his side, panting slightly and holding out his phone. “Makoto, did you check your mail?”

“Eh?”

“I sent you two messages! Wanna come with us for drinks?”

“Oh! Sorry Kisumi, I’m busy right now.”

“Busy? With what?”

Makoto smiles and rubs the back of his neck. “I’m helping Nanase with the swim team!”

Kisumi looks just a slight bit distraught. “Are you serious? I know you’re a good guy Makoto but…wouldn’t there be weird rumours?”

“Rumours? What kind of rumours?”

“Remember what I told you about Haru being harassed by a junior when he was just a freshman? Only some of the liberal arts majors know this, but a professor happened to see them and gave them a warning, but it didn’t look like Nanase was getting bullied or they were fighting.”

“Then what…?”

“I’m just saying, Haru looks kinda delicate. He’s pretty too. Maybe that’s why he was almost attacked by that junior. With those rumours still going around, if you keep making passes at him they’re gonna think you’re after him!”

“R-really?” Makoto’s a little surprised. He hadn’t considered that at all. He hadn’t actually thought much about anything concerning that rumour yet. After the initial shock of hearing it, he’d gone home in a trance and fallen asleep an entire hour earlier than usual before being plunged back into the huge workload he’d totally forgotten about the very next day.

“Really! Regardless, your words the other day had plenty of room for misunderstanding.”

Makoto weighs his options. He could stop helping Nanase, but that would be terrible since he hasn’t even started anything. He hasn't even gotten to know Nanase yet. But if he continued what he was going to do, while keeping it fairly secretive, would that work? Makoto doesn’t know. He really doesn’t want to hurt Nanase.

“Say, Kisumi, if those people really do misunderstand, do you think Nanase-san will be troubled?”

Kisumi ponders this for awhile. “Well, I don’t know. He seemed mad the other day, but I’m not him so I wouldn’t know for sure. He usually looks quite indifferent about most things.”

“Then hopefully it’ll be fine!”

“Makoto…”

“If Nanase-san tells me I’m a bother I’ll stop whatever I’m doing! I’ll make sure I don’t trouble him or hurt him. See you Kisumi!” And with that, Makoto runs off to the pool building with a new resolve, leaving behind a slightly distressed slightly amused Kisumi.

 

 

 

Makoto writes and plans out regime after regime, replaying in his mind all he had seen that afternoon. He hopes he’s doing a decent job of remembering the swimmers’ names correctly and what sort of improvements they need. He’s going to need all this when Coach Mikoshiba gives him his promised chance at actual coaching.

He’s on his tenth regime when his thoughts drift slightly away from his work. _I totally forgot about those rumours…I hadn’t even thought about the misunderstandings! I hope Nanase-san is okay…he was okay with me pulling him out of the pool again…I hope he’s not mad at me or anythi –_

“Tachibana!”

“Yes!” Makoto snaps his head in the direction of the voice.

Nanase startles. “Wha – ! Don’t turn so suddenly!”

“Ah, sorry! You called me?”

“I’ve called you many times. Your eyes.”

“Eh?” Makoto suddenly feels the tears he’s blinking out. Wow, his eyes are seriously dry.

“You’re too focused. You have to blink, you know.”

“Oh, right, thank you Nanase-san.”  He rubs frantically at his eyes, wiping away the tears and blinking rapidly. “Also I’m done with these. Is there anything else I should do?”

“Just a moment. Before I forget, here.” Nanase holds out Makoto’s student ID card.

Makoto takes it quizzically. “What did you need it for?”

“I keyed in your details so you can enter the pool building yourself. It’s bothersome if you have to wait for me all the time.”

“Eh? Is it really okay?”

“Yeah. It’s not like you’re gonna destroy something in here.”

Makoto doesn’t know why he feels so happy at that moment. His chest feels a little warm and he can’t stop the smile from forming on his face as he gazes softly at Nanase who’s currently flipping through the papers. He turns when he feels Makoto’s gaze on him.

“W-What?!”

Right then, the door opens and Coach Mikoshiba peeps through.

“Well it looks like you two are getting along just fine!”

“Coach!”

Coach Mikoshiba wraps an arm around Nanase. “So you were lying when you said you hadn’t met each other before, right?”

Makoto laughs when he sees Nanase struggling to get out of the iron grip he’s stuck in.

 

 

 

 

“Nanase, are you fine with Tachibana?”

Haru looks up to see Mikoshiba flipping through the regimes that Tachibana had written just earlier. He has mixed feelings about the brunet. But the one thing he knows for sure is that he _still_ doesn’t like him. That’s what he tells himself, at least.

“I’m not opposed to him. He seems capable.” And hard-working. And efficient. Quite loud sometimes but tolerable.

Mikoshiba chuckles and sits down in his chair. “He seems happy…”

 _Happy?!_ Haru can’t imagine why he’d be happy stuck in the office writing training regimes for the swim team. He hasn’t even gotten round to coaching them yet he’s not even doing the more interesting things how can he be happy –

 “…being with you.”

Haru’s pulse sky-rockets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!!! Your comments make me very happy ♥


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru fights down strange emotions.
> 
> Makoto messes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AhfOSDjfsf here's the next chapter!!! Aaaaah lately I've been feeling kinda out of it so writing takes longer than usual and just w H Y?!/?!1/!?1/ but I promise I will try my best not to make you wait for too long bc that would be sAD!! Also thank you for all your lovely and wonderful comments that have made me SO HAPPY ♥
> 
> ALSo!!!!! When you see 'pyramid drill', it is a rEAL THING that I had to do when I was on the swim team in my old school (idk if it's a worldwide drill tho or maybe they made it up or w/e) anyways it goes like this:  
> 2 laps butterfly  
> 4 laps backstroke  
> 8 laps breaststroke  
> 16 laps freestyle (front crawl) [x2 maybe]  
> 8 breast  
> 4 back  
> 2 butterfly
> 
> so like 2 pyramids joined together!!! IT WAS TOUGH! !!!!! ! ! ! !! !! I WAS DYIN G!!!!!  
> Anyways happy reading!! Please let me know your thoughts :D

_He seems happy…”_

Haru turns Mikoshiba’s words around in his head as he quietly observes the brunet who’s working diligently.

He doesn’t understand. How can someone be happy cooped up inside a little office when it’s so bright and sunny outside? How could he be happy doing paper work without having even gotten a taste of real coaching? Haru doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t understand.

Tachibana turns to him all of a sudden, meeting his eyes.

Haru starts to panic as Tachibana smiles at him and stands up. He comes over and points at one of the more basic training regimes Haru had written way back.

 “Wha - ”

 “Nanase-san, this pyramid drill is really helpful isn’t it?”

“Y-yeah.” Haru balls his hands into fists and wills his heart to _stop_ beating so hard.

“Maybe we should make it a regular drill for training. Is that okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“You know, Nanase-san always says thank you to me.”

Tachibana chuckles lightly and Haru frowns. He doesn’t understand what’s so funny.  “Is that so…”

“Yes! It makes me kind of happy.”

“…whatever…” _Why is he so friendly?_

Haru goes back to doing his own thing, but his mind is flooded with thoughts that just grow and grow. Every time Tachibana makes him notice something about himself that he hadn’t been aware of, it just makes him wonder what other things Tachibana notices. What other actions does Tachibana notice? What emotions does Tachibana observe that Haru doesn’t even take note of?

Before Haru can get too distracted in his thoughts, a sudden blast of music rings through the office.

“Oh sorry! That’s my phone, I forgot to put it on silent.” Tachibana scrambles to unlock his phone and reject the caller, but Haru is quicker.

“It’s fine if you take it.”

“Really? Then I’ll just be outside!”

When Tachibana closes the door behind him, Haru slumps back in his chair.

_“He just got dumped by his girlfriend so he has time.”_

_“I didn’t have a girlfriend though…”_

Haru doesn’t know why he suddenly remembers that, but faster than he can halt the train of thought he’s wondering if Tachibana will ever have a girlfriend. If Mikoshiba had come up with such a ridiculous statement, surely he would have thought that Tachibana was the sort of guy who would have a girlfriend? Maybe it was his looks…or maybe it was his personality that was attractive…

He imagines Tachibana with a girl, embracing her, running fingers through her hair…

Saying _I love you…_

All of sudden he can’t breathe. His heart hammers painfully against his ribcage, his chest feels tight, and it’s all wrong. It’s wrong it’s wrong it’s _wrong_.

_“I love you, Haru.”_

Haru wants to scream.

 

 

 

“I’m back!”

Makoto closes the door quietly behind him. He doesn’t receive an answer. Looking over to where Nanase sits at his desk, head in his hands, Makoto panics briefly and runs over. “Nanase-san, are you alright?”

Nanase flinches and whips his head up, fear flashing across his eyes for a split second before he turns away, embarrassed. “Y-yeah, sorry. What is it?”

“Are you tired?”

“What? No. I don’t know. Maybe…maybe I am tired…”

 

_What am I doing?! It’s been so long…it’s been too long…with only a little kindness from him I started thinking strange things…_

_Tachibana…_

_Tachibana is different from me…_

 

“Do you wanna go to the riverside?”

“What?”

“Let’s go! We can relax a bit there!”

Makoto grabs Nanase’s hand and runs out of the office. He doesn’t want Nanase to look so stressed, so tired. He doesn’t know why he feels such a strong need to see him relax. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this.

But it feels right.

Nanase haphazardly tugs at his hand. “Tachibana! Wait! What about our work?”

“We can do that tomorrow! I’ll be here too, so don’t worry we’ll be able to finish it.” Makoto grins widely at him and continues pulling him quickly through the campus.

 

Haru stares at the broad back in front of him as he struggles to keep pace with Tachibana. He doesn’t know why he believes his words. He doesn’t know why he thinks Tachibana will be able to do what he promised easily.

_For some reason if it’s him…if it’s Tachibana…he could do it…_

“Hey aren’t they holding hands?”

“I didn’t know they were close!”

Haru belatedly realises that Tachibana is still holding his hand, and as horrified as he is at the whispers all around them, he can’t seem to get out of his grip.

“T-Tachibana!” Haru pants as he struggles but his pleas seem to fall on deaf ears as he’s dragged all the way out of campus and towards the river.

 

 

“We’re here!”

Makoto slowly registers the harsh pants that are coming from behind him, and he’s shocked to find a gasping Nanase struggling to find his breath.

“I’m so sorry Nanase-san! I should’ve gone a little slower!”

“You…you wouldn’t…stop…” Nanase gets out between little pants, and Makoto feels pretty bad for not realising sooner. Even though Nanase could swim fast and beautifully, he now sees that his skill and stamina don’t really translate well on land.

As Nanase slowly recovers, Makoto lets go of his hand and walks a little closer to the flowing water. He gets the feeling someone is looking at him, turning to see Nanase doing just that. He smiles. “Sometimes I walk along here. It helps me clear my mind and relax a little. Maybe it’ll help you too?”

Nanase eyes the water for a meagre two seconds before faster than Makoto can blink, all that’s left of him is a pile of clothes on the floor. He hears a small splash behind him the next second, turning around to see him floating peacefully on his back.

Makoto can’t help but laugh at the strange sight in front of him (he still had his jammers on?!) as he goes over to pick up the fallen clothing and settle down to watch as Nanase turns on his front and starts swimming.

_He really is beautiful…_

 

 

 

When Haru next blinks opens his eyes, it’s to faded orange skies and small bunches of clouds. Crap. It’s evening already.

He gets out, surveying the riverbank for any sign of Tachibana. It takes him just under a minute to spot him, almost camouflaged in the long uncut grass where he lies asleep. Flower petals and stray grass blades lie all over him, and Haru gingerly smoothes one out of his hair before he takes his clothes and puts them back on. Tachibana doesn’t move at all as Haru sits down beside him and shakes his shoulder.

“Tachibana, it’s late.”

He doesn’t even twitch.

Haru hovers over him, heart racing for an unknown reason, trying to think of how to wake the sleeping man. They aren’t even friends yet, and he doesn’t know what to do. In a situation like this, had they been close friends…

_If I was his girlfriend…how would I call out to him…?_

Haru clutches the hem of his shirt and takes a small breath.

“M-Makoto.”

Tachibana suddenly stirs and reaches out to grab Haru, pulling him down into a hug. Haru’s mind goes blank as his head lands against a warm muscular chest. He feels Tachibana’s heartbeat go from slow and steady to a rapid erratic pounding.

“Eh? EH?!”

Tachibana’s sudden exclamation is more than enough to bring Haru back to his senses as he pushes away and scrambles off the now-awake brunet, angry and embarrassed, heartbeat matching his. He turns and starts running away.

“N-Nanase-san wait!”

Tachibana tries to grab his hand but Haru is not having any of this anymore.

He pulls away and continues running.

 

The retreating figure of Nanase as he stumbles back to campus is enough to make Makoto’s heart sink.

He messed up.

He messed up big time.

 

 

 

Haru runs and runs and runs. He doesn’t even stop to breathe for a second. He doesn’t even notice Mikoshiba call out to him. Everything’s a blur.

And it hurts. It hurts it hurts it _hurts_.

Tachibana must have mistaken him for someone else.

It was an accident.

It must’ve been an accident.

_There’s no way…_

_No way no way no way no way_

He trips over the entry way and tumbles into the room, grasping his ankle in pain.

His head throbs, his heart hurts, everything feels wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong _wrong it’s all wrong_

Haru curls himself into a ball on the ground.

_Why do I feel this way_

_I shouldn’t feel this way_

_I only want to be his friend_

 

_I don’t want_

 

_I don’t want to fall in love…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohohOHOHohOhOhOhohOooo (its ok haru bby)
> 
> please let me know what you think!! I LOVE GETTING COMMENTS!!! THANK YOU!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto apologises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is by far the LONGEST CHAPTER in this entire fic!!! i'm sorry i haven't proofread but well i'll just post it and read through it tmr again (please tell me too, if you see a mistake or sth doesn't make sense!!!!!)
> 
> edit 1: i posted this and forgot the summary for this chp HAHAAHAH honestly im a mess right now struggling to post this WHILE IM DISTRACTED IM SORrY (actually idk what to write int eh summary help )
> 
> edit 2: I FINALLY REMEMBERED WHAT I WANTED TO SAY ah so idk if anyone's gonna read this, but in this chp in HNMS, arikawa (makoto)'s girlfriend breaks up with him and it makes him realise that he doesn't have everything together, that he's easily distracted and sometimes he doesn't look out for others because he doesn't realise? and i didnt want to give makoto a gf bc nooo so instead i inserted the nightmare, which was supposed to sorta serve as a reminder that makoto can't always be the 'good person' he thought he was? and that he had to come to realise that he's going to have to change a lot of things/learn a lot of things to get closer to haru and actually idk just...yea h hahahahahaa

Makoto hovers his ID card over the sensor, not quite ready to open the door yet. Thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts are running through his mind. He has to apologise to Nanase, that he knows.

But how?

How is he going to apologise when he’d gone and done something so _stupid_ even though he was half asleep? He should’ve known better. He should’ve known to control himself better. What little progress he had made in befriending Nanase up till now is probably gone.

All because of his stupidity.

It’s so frustrating. He’s so frustrated at himself. And before Makoto can give himself an even bigger headache from remembering all the stupid things he’s done in under half a day while trying to form ten different apologies in his head all at once, he swipes his card and bursts into the room. “I’m sorry Nanase-san!”

“Huh?”

Makoto blinks confusedly at Coach Mikoshiba, who’s staring at him like he’s an alien. He recovers from the shock quickly enough. “Ah, Tachibana. If you’re looking for Nanase he left before I got here. Plus it’s late already, it’s not surprising he’s gone home by now.”

“Eh?” Makoto hadn’t noticed how late it had become. He had been way too busy beating himself up over what he had done. Over how _stupid_ he had been.

“Did you guys have a fight?”

“W-What?” _How did he know?_

Coach Mikoshiba laughs and heads over to Nanase’s unoccupied table, flipping through the different binders. “That kid…he put all the papers into the wrong folders. You know Tachibana, Nanase isn’t exactly like what he seems on the outside. There are times when he seems to disappear, almost like a ghost. Especially when he’s confused.”

Makoto’s heart falls. “T-That would be my fault…and I don’t think you could call it a fight – ”

“Because before you even fought or apologised he ran away,” Coach Mikoshiba’s eyes twinkle and he smiles at Makoto, like he knows something about Nanase that he doesn’t, “right?”

He’s right. He’s completely right. And it makes something ugly and bitter settle in the pit of his stomach. Makoto _wants_ to know more about Nanase. He _wants_ to get close to him, to be friends with him. But it’s all going downhill and it’s all his fault and he’s so frustrated he doesn’t know what to do.

“Coach, you and Nanase-san must have a really good relationship huh?”

“Are you jealous?”

“What?! No.” _Yes._ “Not really…I…well…At least before today, I thought I wasn’t a bad person…and I thought maybe Nanase-san would slowly warm up to me but that’s not how things turned out. That’s not how things are turning out.”

Coach Mikoshiba pats his back hard enough for it to hurt, and it’s just what Makoto needs to stop himself from falling into the pit of self-pity and self-loathe. “Just be yourself. Nanase isn’t like you at all. He tends to avoid people, and when he runs into problems like this he gets scared and confused really easily. All you need to do is wait and be patient with him, he’ll come to terms with it eventually.”

Makoto doesn’t know what it is, but it feels like the weight of his own body is too heavy to keep upright, like the air has been coaxed out of his lungs by something he doesn’t even know. It hurts, it _hurts_ because Makoto wants to understand. He wants to understand Nanase. And if they truly are so different, how is he going to do that?

“Am I, am I really so different from Nanase-san?”

“Judging from the fact that you haven’t even realised it yet, you’re already as far as the North and South Poles!”

Before Makoto can even let his body catch up with the shock, Coach Mikoshiba gasps and looks at him in horror.

“Now that I think about it, it took me a year to get close to him. If he suddenly turns to you, what am I going to do then?!”

Suddenly, Makoto doesn’t feel so bad.

 

Although the first thing he does the moment he reaches home is crash onto his bed, exhausted.

Makoto hasn’t felt this tired in awhile, but then again he hasn’t had an entire self-revaluating session for the longest time and it’s really starting to take a toll on his mind and body. Because of his one stupid blunder with the person he didn’t know he cared so much about. Scrap that, Makoto knows he’s got a soft spot for Nanase (that sprouted from absolutely _nowhere_ ) but he didn’t know that he cared _this_ much. Now that was eye-opening.

He takes out his phone from his back pocket to call Nanase and just apologise already. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to sleep tonight with all those horrible thoughts running through his mind if he doesn’t clear up The **Accidental** Hug (emphasis on ‘accidental’, Makoto keeps telling himself it most certainly was _accidental_ ) misunderstanding right here right now.

… Except he doesn’t have Nanase’s number.

Makoto curls into himself, throwing his phone onto the foot of his bed in frustration because it’s useless. It’s useless if he doesn’t know Nanase’s number. And now _he_ feels useless because what’s a phone number when he doesn’t even know a thing about Nanase?

What does Nanase like?

What doesn’t he like?

His favourite colour? Book? Food?

Makoto doesn’t know. He _doesn’t know_. He doesn’t even know Nanase’s birthday, how could he know much else?

His chest feels like it’s going to collapse on itself. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. Because he knows near to nothing about Nanase and yet…

_Yet…_

_I…Nanase…I…_

_I…like…_

_like…_

_Haru……_

_._

_._

_._

They’re sitting on a patch of grass. It’s silent, not even the whisper of the wind is present around them. Makoto hugs Nanase close to him.

He presses Nanase to his chest, threading his fingers through soft black hair. And he feels so light, so content, so happy. A soft rumble of laughter emerges from his chest.

It’s so warm.

Nanase punches him.

Makoto realises Nanase is struggling in his embrace. He’s so shocked he lets go and doesn’t even move as Nanase knocks him to the ground. It’s cold, it’s hard, and Makoto thinks he might have split his head open.

He can’t think any further. Nanase’s piercing blue eyes glare at him. So much anger. He starts shouting.

“You didn’t hear me crying. You didn’t listen when I told you what I felt. All you do is laugh and laugh and laugh. Why do you only care about yourself?”

Tears are falling. Makoto can only stare when Nanase starts whispering.

“Why do you not care about what I feel?”

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

“I don’t want to see you again.”

Makoto flings his body forward, a futile attempt to hold on to Nanase. He’s gone.

Nanase is gone.

And he’s alone.

The wind laughs at him.

_You deserve it._

 

 

 

 

Makoto steps into the office, eye bags heavy with terrible thoughts and lack of sleep. He perks up a little when he sees Nanase’s belongings spread out on his desk, but his chair is empty.

It isn’t the first time Makoto feels the anxiety in him go straight down to his gut, but coupled with the dream he had last night he needs to take a few deep breaths before he can even get his feet to start moving again.

He has to apologise today, even if it kills him.

Searching for Nanase doesn’t take long at all. Makoto follows a slowly drying foot print trail starting from the pool, leading him all the way to the storage room. The door is open just a crack. He swallows dryly.

“Nanase-san?”

Makoto hates the way his voice sounds so shaky, hates the way his hand trembles as he slides the door open the rest of the way, hates how nervous and scared he feels when _he’s_ the one that did the wrong, the one that hurt Nanase.

Nanase barely even glances at him, arm stretched upwards where he’s supporting an entire stack of kickboards that look like they’re about to fall. “I’m arranging these. You can resume what you were doing yesterday.”

Makoto wants to apologise, he wants to get it over and done with and see if Nanase will give him another chance. But it doesn’t look like Nanase’s having it with the way he so obviously turns his head in the direction opposite to where Makoto stands and how he seems to emit the entire ‘don’t come near me’ aura.

Or maybe, he’s just struggling with the kickboards and feels embarrassed?

Makoto wants to slap himself for such a ridiculous thought but he looks more closely and sees how Nanase’s arm trembles ever so slightly, how he’s stretching as high as he can get on tip-toes yet he still can’t reach the top shelf. It’s endearing, to say the least, and now Makoto’s apology is the last thing on his mind. “Nanase-san do you need my hel – ”

“No.”

Nanase’s curt answer would’ve wounded Makoto if not for the way the tips of his ears turn bright red. It’s adorable, Nanase is adorable, and there’s a sudden warmth in his chest and he can’t seem to stop the smile from forming or fight the urge to _get close to him_. Makoto does what anyone in that situation would do, probably.

He mutters a soft ‘okay’ before pretending to step out and closing the door. Nanase visibly relaxes, shoulders dropping as he releases a soft huff. His ease doesn’t last for long though, turning his attention back on the kickboards that loom threateningly over his head. Makoto can’t help but smile and walk towards him, footsteps silent and breathing controlled.

When he’s just about a foot behind Nanase, he reaches his arm out. “If you let go of that – ”

Makoto doesn’t even get to finish because Nanase flinches so badly it makes him feel so terrible all of a sudden but he can’t dwell on it for too long because Nanase’s hold on the kickboards is gone and they’re right about to fall on him –

 

“Safe…” Makoto breathes out a sigh of relief when he realises his body had moved faster than his mind had, securing the falling stack before they could hit either of them.

He pushes them back up slowly, a tiny grin threatening to bloom over his face at the realisation of how much shorter Nanase is compared to him. Makoto can’t help but think it’s adorable. Speaking of Nanase, Makoto turns to find him looking totally flustered, cheeks dusted dark pink as he stares up at him with those big, _big_ blue eyes that are just so pretty and his small mouth that’s parted just slightly, his hair slightly ruffled –

“Ow!”

Makoto’s broken out of his reverie when a stray pool buoy drops and bounces off Nanase’s head. Nanase looks more embarrassed than annoyed at this moment, and Makoto is unable to hold back the tiny giggle tickling the back of his throat that turns into a full out laugh.

“S-Stop laughing!” Nanase glares at him with his reddened cheeks and mortified face and it only serves to make Makoto laugh harder.

“You, you’re really different from how you look.” Makoto manages out between bursts of laughter.

Nanase turns and grumbles under his breath. He now looks more annoyed than embarrassed. “You’re so annoying.”

Makoto’s reminded of what he has to do when he sees Nanase’s half-angry half-embarrassed face, laughter slowly subsiding as he steps forward and faces Nanase, who in turn takes a step back and glares up at him.

The anxiety is back, pooling at the pit of his stomach. He has to apologise, and he knows he has to do it right now or he’s going to regret it forever. He has no right to make Nanase suffer without so much as apology (which Makoto knows will hardly repair damage done, but it’s better than nothing). He takes a deep breath and looks Nanase right in the eyes.

 

_Why is he so close?_

_Why is his face so near? His face, his face is too close…_

_His blush deepens, and this time it’s not out of embarrassment from getting hit with the pool buoy._

 

“Nanase-san, I, I mean, it’d be good if you were angry at me like this yesterday. I’m really sorry about yesterday, I’m sorry about what happened.”

Nanase doesn’t hold his stare, choosing instead to look down at his feet. “I’ve already forgotten about it. Don’t worry.”

 

_He's too close...!_

 

Makoto doesn’t feel appeased at all. Nanase doesn’t look like he’s forgotten, and he didn’t act like he had. It cuts deep into Makoto how distant Nanase had seemed since yesterday, refusing to look at him and all. “I-I’ve often been told that I’m slow, and that I’m clumsy sometimes. And I really think I might’ve done something to annoy Nanase-san.”

“I already said it was alright.”

Nanase still doesn’t look up. And from where he stands, Makoto has what he would call an ‘A+ view of Nanase-san’s face, featuring his oh, so long eyelashes and small sharp nose and pale skin and _what is he thinking about_ ’. Makoto feels his face heating up immensely, hands clammy all of a sudden as he’s struck with a sudden bout of massive emotion. “Nanase-san, I – ”

“Nanase!”

Nanase startles pretty badly and Makoto’s broken out from his trance for the second time in less than five minutes at the shout of a familiar voice. It’s Coach Mikoshiba, probably looking for them.

“Nanase! Your phone is ringing!”

“Ah! Yes!”

Nanase’s about to run out of the storage room as Makoto finally remembers the second thing he had planned to do.

“Oh right! Nanase-san, may I have your phone number?”

Nanase glances apprehensively at him, then at the ground. “Okay…”

“And also! Uh, if you don’t mind, you can call me Makoto.”

 

 

 

 

Ever since Tachi- _Makoto_ had given Haru his number, he’d been getting random texts every once in a few days. They were short messages, usually about pointless things that Haru has never known what to say to, so he’s never replied. At least it hadn’t seemed like Makoto expected replies.

He’s in the middle of floating in the water on a Sunday afternoon when he hears his phone chime with a new message.

 

_Sunday, 3:29pm_

_From: Tachibana Makoto_

_Hi Haru! I attached a picture of this aquarium I just happened to pass by today! Maybe we can go one day since you love water_ (*^▽^*)

 

Haru’s heart skips a beat when he reads his name, his given name, on the text and feels warm all the way down to his toes.

And when he attempts to start swimming again, he ends up bumping his head on the wall and leaving the pool earlier than he would on normal days.

He feels lighter than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUEHUEHEUHEEUEHEUEHUEHUE they're both falling slowly but surely ;)))))
> 
> also pls prepare for next chapter aahahahaaha
> 
> COMMENTS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!!!! ♥


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru glares at him. His cheeks are red, like the anger boiling inside of him.
> 
> The anger Makoto can feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaah i didn't expect to take so long to write the next chp, sorry for the wait!! stuff was happening but that doesn't matter!!!! i finally managed to complete it hahaha  
> also uni started NOoooOOOOo i feel so old (my bday is tHIS MONTH!!) ;w; (also there's so much work already?? wha t classes only start tmr and we already have work hahaha RIP me) i hope i can continue to update regularly though
> 
> hope you enjoy (please tell me if something is off, like please do i kinda just forced myself to write this so sorry if its like ??? bad !??!?!)

“Tachibana.”

Makoto looks up from the stack of paper in front of him to see Coach Mikoshiba waving him over to his table.

“Could you get Nanase here for me? I need his help with this, he’s better at it than I am.” Coach smiles somewhat sheepishly, gesturing to something on his table that Makoto has no idea what it’s supposed to be. He makes a mental note to ask Haru when he finds him.

He enters the pool building, expecting to see a figure gliding through the water but there’s nothing. Makoto scans the blue surface for something floating, but there’s _nothing_. Panic sets in as he whips his head around the room, because where could Haru be he’s always in the pool isn’t he where did he go what is he – _ah!_

Makoto sees him standing in a secluded corner of the room, with what seems like a stiff posture as he hunches over his phone, which just makes the anxiety bloom in his gut again right where it only just disappeared.

“Haru?”

Haru flinches so hard he almost drops his phone, managing to grab it before it smashes to the ground. He immediately turns it off and glares at Makoto.

“What.”

Haru looks pale. He looks scared. And Makoto feels something in his chest oddly akin to the anger when Ren had been bullied on his first day of school, yet with a strong desire to just whisk him up and away from the world, from everything bad that had happened to him, to _protect_ him.

It’s strange, the feeling. Makoto doesn’t know if he’s ever felt like this, is pretty sure that he’s never felt like this. But he doesn’t want it to go away.

He wants to make sure Haru is okay.

“Is it alright if you don’t answer?”

“Yeah. I didn’t recognise the caller. Probably a wrong number.” Haru slides his phone back onto the benches before diving back into the pool.

Makoto watches him glide beneath the surface of the water, as beautiful as ever, as he reaches the other end of the pool effortlessly.

It’s almost like he’s back to normal, but Makoto doesn’t want to take chances. He just can’t afford to, after seeing all of Haru’s reactions, after hearing all those rumours, after seeing how scared he was just a moment ago.

He crouches down at the end of the pool where Haru is floating on his back. “Hey, Haru.”

Haru barely cracks open an eyelid, making a grunting noise just to show that he’s heard him.

“If anything happens you can just call me, okay?”

This time, Haru opens his eyes fully. His lips tilt slightly upward as he stares at the ceiling.

“You look like someone who wouldn’t notice your phone ringing.”

In the next moment, he’s back under the water.

Makoto forgets what he’s supposed to do.

 

 

 

 

Makoto feels the wind ruffling his hair, the grass tickling his fingertips, the cool spring breeze.

He doesn’t get up from where he’s lying, surrounded by flowers.

He doesn’t open his eyes, because he knows.

He knows.

This is another _Haru_ dream.

_Makoto…Makoto…_

Ah, yes, Haru is like spring. The one that smells so sweet. The one that’s so beautiful.

It’s mesmerising…

It’s dizzying…

_Makoto…_

Makoto finally opens his eyes. Haru hovers over him, smiling slightly when Makoto takes his delicate hand in his larger one and sits up.

_Haru…_

He pulls Haru into a warm embrace, fingers brushing over the hair at his nape, lips finding his smooth forehead.

_Makoto…Makoto Makoto Makoto!_

Makoto’s lips travel downwards. The smooth curve of Haru’s nose. The soft skin of his cheeks. The warmth of his lips…

_“…he was assaulted when he was still a freshman…!”_

Haru snatches his hand away.

He wriggles out of Makoto’s embrace, swatting his face in the process.

Makoto falls backwards.

Haru glares at him. His cheeks are red, like the anger boiling inside of him.

The anger Makoto can feel _._

_I…I –_

 

 

Makoto’s body freezes for a split second before he’s scrambling into a sitting position and breathing hard.

Oh. Oh _no_.

He doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what just happened.

As he sits there recovering, there’s a sudden sharp sting on his cheek. He touches it, only to find a small streak of blood on his finger. He must’ve been scratched by a book in his sleep.

Makoto can’t dwell on it for long. His body still feels hot, his heart is still racing, his lips tingle.

He can feel his heartbeat in his head. It’s so hard, so fast, he feels like he might explode.

This dream. This _Haru_ dream. It wasn’t at all like the others.

The embrace, the kisses, the love, it was all so intense. So much more intense than all the others combined.

Makoto buries his head between his knees and groans.

 

 

 

 

“What happened to your cheek?”

Makoto cradles the side of his face gently, trying to shield the wound from Haru’s inquisitive eyes. He has the inexplicable urge to apologise for The **Accidental** Hug incident _again_. “I think I was scratched by a book while sleeping.”

“Hmm,” Haru starts to walk away, having apparently lost all interest, “your bed sounds really messy.”

The door then slams wide open, revealing a panting Coach Mikoshiba looking flustered yet cheery (Makoto has no idea how he does it). “Nanase!”

“What.” Haru doesn’t even turn from the papers he’s reading.

“Ah, I’m so glad I found you quickly,” he manages to say between pants, “do you think you can come with me?”

“You forgot you were supposed to go scouting today?”

“You know me too well!”

Haru sighs and gets up, slowly putting away the papers and packing his bag. “So what time do we have to be there?”

“At four. Are you ready to go?”

“There isn’t even enough time to get ready, we have to go now!”

Coach just laughs and slaps his back. “Sorry, sorry, I’ll try to remember these things next time.”

Makoto watches as Haru stuffs the rest of his belongings in his bag and throws on his jacket. He doesn’t know what exactly is going on, neither does he know what the sinking feeling in his chest is.

“Makoto, I’ll probably be back in the evening but if it gets too late you can just leave. Call me if you need something.”

“Okay. Take care, Haru.”

He watches Haru give a small nod before he disappears behind the closing doors, sinking feeling evolving into what seems like a tiny hole in his ribcage. The fact that Haru isn’t going to be here today, Makoto doesn’t know whether he’s happy about it or not.

He feels dreary already.

 

 

 

 

Makoto cracks opens his eyes, dull ringing in his ears getting louder and louder until he realises it’s a phone ringing.

Oh, a phone.

He rubs his painful eyes (falling asleep with contacts is probably not the best thing to do) and rummages around his table for the phone. It takes his half-asleep brain awhile to become aware that _this is not his ringtone_.

_“Call me if you need something.”_

Makoto chuckles slightly to himself. He never would’ve pegged Haru as the clumsy type had he not gotten to know him a little better. Telling him to call if anything went wrong, proceeding to leave his phone behind, it puts a smile on Makoto’s face. It makes it seem like Haru was not so different from him after all.

The moment the phone stops ringing, Makoto barely has a second to turn away as it starts ringing again. _Persistent_ , Makoto thinks. But he can’t seem to ignore it. The longer he stares at it, the more he starts thinking about who the caller could be.

Maybe it was just one of Haru’s friends. Or his parents.

Or maybe it was Haru, calling from a public phone.

The ringing dies down again, but the uneasy guttural feeling in Makoto doesn’t. It’s already eight, and Makoto thinks he’ll just wait for Haru to get back. Except the caller just does not stop.

Was it urgent? Was it an emergency?

Maybe there was an accident?

The longer Makoto stares at the ringing phone, the more he can’t just turn away and pretend nothing happened. His hand reaches down, hovering over the device in apprehension for one, two three seconds before he snatches it and reads the caller ID.

_Incoming Call:_

_Matsuoka Rin_

_Answer?_

 

Before he can even consider it, he’s pressed the answer button and is holding the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

There isn’t so much as a breath on the other side.

“Uh, uhm…this is H- Nanase-san’s phone but he’s not here right – ”

_“Who are you?”_

“Eh? Me? I-I’m Nanase-san’s friend. Tachibana…”

_“Heh…friend? From the university?”_

“Yes. Nanase-san can’t come to the phone right now.”

_“Strange._ _He’s usually in the pool at this time. But that’s alright…instead of Haru I’ll talk to you a bit.”_

“Me?” Makoto can feel his heart pounding in his chest. He doesn’t know who Matsuoka Rin is. He doesn’t know how Haru is connected to him.

He doesn’t know why he feels so scared.

_“Yeah. Tachibana-kun, are you in the same major as Haru?”_

“No, I’m majoring in sports science actually.”

_“Is that so. I’m shocked…that kid actually has a friend from another field… There was a Ryugazaki-kun helping out before, what happened to him?”_

“I’m not too sure. I haven’t actually heard about this.” _Why is he asking me all this? Who is he?_

_“Tachibana-kun. Do you have that kid’s collar?”_

_Collar?_

_“You haven’t thrown it away, have you?”_

_Collar? What collar?_

_“I made that.”_

_Collar…necklace?_

_Necklace!_

_“That kid, without that he’s useless. Because he’s useless without me. So once you get tired of him, give it back.”_

_-Beep-_

 

Makoto’s hand drops down, limp. He still clutches the phone in his hand, gripping it tight.

He can’t explain what he’s feeling.

_“…that kid…”_

It’s cold. It’s very cold.

_“…collar…”_

But the anger in his heart is a raging flame that can’t be extinguished.

_“…he’s useless…”_

He’s angry.

_“…he’s useless without me…”_

 

He’s so angry.

 

 

 

 

“Makoto!”

Makoto doesn’t even flinch when the door opens with a bang. He hears Haru’s footsteps slowing down behind him, his soft pants probably from running all the way here.

“I saw that the light was on, have you been here the entire time?”

He can’t turn around to face Haru. He can’t even move.

“It’s raining outside, you know?”

_Why is it that no words…no words will come out?_

“Makoto…?”

_Who is he?_

“Makoto, is that…”

_Why have you been hiding this all by yourself?_

“Is that my phone?”

Makoto swiftly turns and presses the phone into Haru’s half open palm.

“You got a call. You got many calls. From someone called Matsuoka Rin.”

_Have you been letting this man control you?_

 

Haru stares at the screen, displaying all the missed calls from Rin and the last one that Makoto had answered. He goes pale.

“You…you answered it…yourself? Why?!”

_What did you talk about?!_

“Why did you do that when I wasn’t here?”

_I didn’t want…_

“I didn’t think you were that kind of guy!”

_I didn’t want you to know_

 

“Then what sort of guy did you think I was?!”

_What am I saying?_

“Did you really think I wouldn’t cause you anymore trouble? After all those stupid things I’ve done? I’ve always…”

_I’ve always thought I was a good person…until now_

Makoto turns to grab his bag and runs out of the building. He doesn’t even know what he’s feeling.

The rain is strong, beating down on him as he walks through the dark streets. Good, he should be punished.

He’s been so stupid. Stupid stupid _stupid_.

There had never been a time he hadn’t been able to control himself. Until now.

He’s sure Haru’s hurt much more than he is. Yet it _hurts_. It hurts to know how terrible of a person he’s been. How terrible he is.

It hurts…

 

_He sinks down to the ground, legs unable to hold him up._

_He’s scared. He’s so scared_ _._

_And hurt._

_He doesn’t know what to do anymore._

_It hurts…_

 

…it hurts to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;;w;;;;; poor bbs
> 
> in makoto's dream when he was like 'ah yes haru is like spring' or sth like that, its sorta a play on his nAME bc Haru means spring!! just like in HNMS when arikawa was like 'you were misaki' which is not only his name but also means 'beautiful bloom' aaaah how cute uwu
> 
> comments are much appreciated!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Your comments and kudos are very much appreciated, thank you!
> 
> (Find me: [tumblr](grizzly-pandabear.tumblr.com) | [twitter](twitter.com/nanasehharu))


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